I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I fill condoms, not promises.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
