I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
