You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
