Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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