i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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