I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
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At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
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Watching her eat just hurts me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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