I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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