Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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