i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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