Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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