You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
