I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
