I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
