Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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