I have demons in me.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
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I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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