If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
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