I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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