Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
