He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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