For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
