You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
