So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Randomize
