Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
