his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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