I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
