So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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