Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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