I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
