i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
