I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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