He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
