Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
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