i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
