I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
