hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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