I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Randomize
