Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
