Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
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