What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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