I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I am available for nakedness
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
