its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Someone came in the potted fern
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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