All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
