you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
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i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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