I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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