So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
