He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
