I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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