Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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