i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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