haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
