So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
