ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
