apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
is that a dick in a sweater?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
