Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
