Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
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Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
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Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!