I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
