Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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