No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
