He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
