Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
