I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
